The Weekbeginner: October 21, 2024

Jokes, thoughts, and ideas from this week.

Look, I wanted to post this on Saturday, but I didn’t. Instead of waiting until next Saturday, I’ll post it a little late. It’s my party and I’ll do what I want to. (But really, thanks for reading, I appreciate it so much. Consider subscribing if you don’t already.)

Rich people fucking love Halloween.

I guess when living is so easy, the only logical choice is to mock the dead.

Decorating for Halloween is the ultimate sign of wealth. Nothing says “I have more money than I know what to do with” than a yard full of 12-foot tall, motion-activated grim reapers and zombie scarecrows that you can afford to keep in storage for 90 percent of the year. It’s more of a flex than a safe full of diamonds. At least diamonds have resale value. If you go broke you can at least sell all your jewelry to help get you back on your feet. Good luck trying to move that second-hand lifesize Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton to pay restitution after you become the patsy for your firm’s insider trading take-down.

Poor people can’t go all out like this for Halloween. If we’re renting a storage unit it’s because we’re living in it. Plus, our fears aren’t as easily represented. How do you say “I’m one health scare away from total personal and financial ruin” with yard ornaments?

I have a few notes for Ozymandias, this so-called “King of Kings.”

I know it’s a little late for this, but maybe your empire wouldn’t have crumbled into dust to be forgotten forever if you were just a little more chill.

“Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.”

Despair? You wanted people to associate you with despair? No wonder why they let that big-ass statue of you fall to the ground and your head roll away and get half buried in the sand to become a dog toilet.

Next time around, how about “Hey, everybody! Check this out. Pretty cool, right? Let’s have a good-ass time!” Maybe then people would be like “Remember that old King Ozymandias? He was a cool dude. That guy knew what’s up.”

The Tesla Cybertruck has broken my brain.

I can’t fully wrap my head around the fact that more than one of these exist. My first thought every time I see one of them out in the wild is “oh, there’s that guy with the weird truck again.”

That doesn’t happen with any other cars, no matter how weird they are. There’s a guy in my neighborhood who drives a jeep that he’s dressed up like it’s a fucking Mad Max tank and if I saw one of those on the other side of town I’d think “oh another guy who thinks he’s The Road Warrior.” But I still don’t believe more than one person in the whole world wants to drive around in something as stupid-looking as the Cybertruck.

My wife is a vegan.

So that makes me a fake vegan.

This means that when I am at home, I am vegan, out of respect for my wife. And when I am not home, I do not have to be vegan, out of disrespect for my wife.

We’ve talked about it. She knows this. If she didn’t that would be one of the goofiest ways you could possibly sneak around on a spouse. Imagine eating a burger while out with the boys and coming home smelling like burger and she’s like “I know when you’re out with those boys you’re filling you’re mouth with meat!” And I’m all like “I swear, it’s impossible!” What’s impossible is how stupid you’d have to be to do that.

Most of the time when we’re together, I’m holding strong. But we made rules that if we are out at a party or event with food and other people are chowing down on non-vegan food, it’s OK if I do it while she’s around. It sort of makes sense…but it also sort of feels like I’m leaving her when she needs me most. Or like I’m teaming up against her with everybody else. Pointing and laughing at the weirdo eating vegetables while we stab ourselves in the cheek with meat skewers.

Here’s the thing — there’s no reason for me to not be full vegan. I agree with every single point that vegans make. I feel like an idiot saying “well, yes I think that animals have feelings and are capable of love AND I know that factory farming is terribly cruel and ruining the environment AND I just FEEL BETTER whenever I’m sticking to a vegan diet but…I just can’t stop eating chicken fingies!”